I miss 90's grunge music...random I know

So I made it through Christmas somehow.  I may have been bored out of my mind but I made it.  My son had a blast! Santa was good to him (was easy he only asked for 2 things so everything else far exceeded his expectations).  I DID enjoy seeing the faces of those as they opened my gifts to them.  Other than that I was bored.  My husband literally slept off an on throughout the whole holiday.  We had to wake him up to open presents.  I left to go sneak off and buy a pack of cigs and dawdled around Walgreens for about an hour due to cabin fever...he never even knew that I left.  I got some nice gifts....but I was just bored.  I played with the fire in my fireplace damn near all weekend.  I burned everything.  All wrapping paper from the presents...all boxes that they came in...everything except the plastic parts.  That was the hi-light of my holiday.

I may have spent over 200.00 at Vickie's.  Got some shit that fits and makes me feel sexy.  I was happy that I did not lose a cup size just 2 inches in Girth. 

Went and got me some new jeans and clothes and stuff at the mall.  Retail therapy is nice.  I missed being able to be Natalie.  I missed hiding behind the computer.  I missed reading about all of you and our dysfuntionalities - if that is even a word.

Another short work week..but we are slowwww...so I shall be blogging!

So I will leave you with a little music that is going through my head right now -

The sign said long haired freaky people need not apply -
so I pulled up my hair and put on a hat and went in to ask him why -
He said you look like a fine upstanding young man yes I think You'll do -
So I took off my hat and said IMAGINE THAT, ME working for YOU!


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getting off early by force...new bra?

It happened...boss came in and is forcing me to leave no later than 3PM....
exhale...

Guess I will fight the crowds at the mall.  Not because I have to do Christmas shopping (that's been done for a while now).  I have to make a stop in at Vickies'...with all this weight loss (that I am grateful for) I unfortunately must go get a smaller bra (a lil less grateful for this).  I will miss my ample girls...but would rather be smaller everywhere else and have average size tatas then a chunky-stuff with fabulous breasts...I think lol!

Screw it maybe I will just buy me some new ones come income tax refund....

SOOOOOOOO tired with being obsessed with my body...but am proud that I am back in a size 7/8...was embarrassingly up to a 15/16 not so long ago!  Thank god for diet doctors and a lil will power...

but dammit I want my boobs back!  At least I still have my ass lol!

This may be my last post til Monday -

So until then...

GOOD DAY!.....I said GOOD DAY!

-Nat




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Time away :( SCARLETS back!!! :)

Well, I am sitting at work and we are dead...I mean there is NOTHING going on.  So, I have enjoyed visiting new blogs and learning of others lives.  I really enjoy it.  I am sad that I wont be able to be on blogger until Monday for fear of getting caught at home with this page. 

BUT...SCARLET IS BACK!  Just a few technical difficulties on her end.  Thank god!

Just an FYI...dont just delete and go away..ever...at least give a goodbye post....this chick right here is needy when it comes to closure hahahaha

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good blog!


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would rather be working...am I the only one?

Holidays...inevitable extra days off. I would rather work through them.  Thank GOD I work tomorrow.  I like to be here.  It is my escape from it all.  I leave my house when it is still dark and I don't leave until the sun is either about to set or setting.  I don't even take a lunch.  I can be me here.  Sitting here...right here.  In front of my keyboard.  Typing away to complete strangers or nobody at all. 

I can smoke a pack of cigs if I want...not that I do.  But half a pack that is doable.  I did leave work for a few today, however.  I was gone 6 minutes.  I left to get a few scratch off lotto tickets.  A few high dollar ones.  Blew through 100.00 bucks in less than 10 minutes.  I won 40 so I guess I only blew 60. 

I take my kid with me sometimes to work.  Those days are the worst because I really have no reason to leave work at all.  Sure, go home to my husband...watch him fall asleep on the couch...wake him up for dinner, watch him eat it on the couch, watch him fall back asleep.  Finally wake him up to tell him I am going to bed?  Nahh I would rather stay here.  3 day weekend.  DAMN.  Two of them in a row....double damn!

And my boss will probably insist I leave early tomorrow. 

I know I sound crazy...doesn't everyone WANT to go home and "relax" and spend time with their family? 

well...gonna go try to figure out how to personalize my lil blog thingy now. 

On a good note my weight loss is going great and I actually feel really pretty today.  At least there is that ;)



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Scarlet - No more?

So there is this blog that I love....and I follow her and she follows me and I believe she just deleted her blog -

This saddens me. 

Scarlet on the couch if you are still out there I will find you again...not in a stalker kind of way but in a I wanna continue to kow you kind of way...


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Make new friends...

Does anyone remember that old girlscout song? (with the exception of my newest friend/follower - he probably wasnt a Brownie)
Make new friends but keep the old..
One is silver and the other's gold. 
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
infinity repeat

Anyway - happy to making some new friends on here. Having a decent day...all dressed up at work today going to some fancy shamncy luncheon for work.  I dont even have to put a fake smile on my face today!



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Lesbian tendancies?

While I have made it very clear in previous posts that I am not the hottest one in the room usually, I know that I can hold my own and turn a few heads from now and then.  For some reason, however, Women are more attracted to me then men.  Women are VERY attracted to me.  I run into this a lot.  So...am I into it?  Not really
Does that mean I have never tried it?
Not really

Situation numero uno:
I worked at this crazy ass "office job" when I was like 20 years old and apparently Everyone there was gay in some way.  Mostly the guys and a few girls I guess.  I never gave a shit...who am I to judge...if you are nice to me expect the same in return, gay, straight, if you have a huge horn sticking out of your head...doesn't matter any to me!  SO...I go to this party with this click...and this one beautiful I mean BEAUTIFUL Latina girl that I worked with was there.  They were all making me drinks and we were dancing and it was hot and exciting, she was all over me! Much different than with a man.  We were dancing and she was behind me just whispering hot tantalizing sexiness into my ear and it was driving me insane.  People were making out all around us.  Guy on guy, two guys and a girl, every combination you can think of (well nothing too nasty with like animals or dead people or anything!)  I had never been in an atmosphere like this.  So open, nobody cared who was watchin...many wanted you to watch, I was in awe of it all.  I guess I had a voyeur in me somewhere locked behind my young "innocence".  So back to the girl, she was so tender, every caress of my skin made my heart throb in my cotton panties.  We had not kissed on the lips, I had not touched her at all...she was just dancing behind me...the whispers in my ear oh GOD I can still remember how that made me feel, the hot wet breathing I could feel going down my neck and back up to my ear and then whispering again.    I cannot remember any of what she was saying but it didnt matter at all. When I close my eyes to remember this night I can smell her. The smell of lemons and rain.  It was captivating.  It still is when I remember it.  She turned me around to face her.  I did.  My eyes were closed.  She whispered in a tone that should have been spoken in a higher octave, "look at me".  I did as I was told.  My god she was beautiful.  Golden skin that was glistening, dark long flowing hair that was pulled up on one side with a small flower pinned in it as if she needed that to look any more exotic.  She had the figure that we all aspire for.  She was looking at me as if she was thinking these same things about me.  I was nowhere near the beauty she was.  Yet she had this desire in her eyes that made me feel sexy.  She held my hand and led me to the couch.  I am brought another drink.  She is as well.   I took a sip and she took the drink from me and set it down and leaned in and lightly...oh-so-lightly licked a droplet of the drink off of my lower lip.  It drove me nuts.  I was trembling.  Everywhere.  She asked if I was comfortable with that.  I said I have no idea what I am doing but I am not uncomfortable.  I told her I had a boyfriend and that I have never been with a girl and that I wasnt sure if I was ready or even wanted to.  (lies lies lies lies I wanted her to touch me for infinity...I wanted to taste her lips and my god I wanted her hands back on me!) She pulled away only slightly.  She handed me back my drink.  She says she wants to go to this gay club up the street and wanted to know if I would go with her.  She said she was having a girl tonight one way or another.  I was kind of hurt by that comment...WHY????  why the hell would I care?  We left, I drove...I cant remember the conversation in the car, none of it, at all.  i do know that while I was driving she somehow began running her hand up and down my thigh and finally she just settled her hand between my legs...the whole rest of the drive.  She knew how to drive me nuts.  I was dripping...I mean soaked...the next thing I remember we are in my apartment.  Never made it to the club.  I lived 45 minutes away from where the party was. I dont remember it taking long at all.  I have no idea how we ended up there or if I just drove in that direction to get what I wanted.  The next hour or so is fuzzy in my memory.  I know we showered and kissed and touched and it was so damn exciting!  We brought it to my room and she laid me down and pleased me...and then....then...it was my turn...to "return the favor"  I tried...I really did...I just couldnt for more than like 2 minutes...As excited I was for her to do all of these things to me...I was disgusted at the thought, the taste the...everything and I could not perform...she later told me that she thought for sure I would be relaxed enough from all the shit that they were putting in my drink!!!  Shit?  what kind of shit???  I dont even know...I know that there are gaps in the realities of this memory but not enough for date rape drug or anything that strong  It was a long drive back to drop her off...this was just a few friends hanging out for drinks on a random Tuesday...yep had to face them all at work the next day and they ALL knew my story.  I quit 3 days later...

Guess I am too selfish even drunk and drugged to be a lesbian 





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ignorance - in another form

The past few days have been enjoyable...although not due to anything happening in my life...but instead ignoring my own life and imagining myself as a wallflower in someone elses as I read about the ups and downs of someone else whom I already feel as if I know.  As if I was meant to stumble across her.  This brings me peace.  Peace is a rarity these days.  It is welcome.



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The current disaster AKA - Natalie

So...It is time to fill you in on some things about me. Useless facts that will hopefully give an idea of who I am as a person.

Getting to know me....

• Normally (yesterday excluded) I am an extremely hard worker.  Sometimes too hard.  I climbed the corporate ladder and I refuse to fail.  I am dependable, responsible and dedicated - the problem with this is that I pour myself into my job so much that there is little left of me at the end of the day for my family and home.
• I do not keep a clean house...I WANT a clean house I have TRIED to keep a clean house I CANNOT keep a clean house.  I work 10 hour days and just do not have it in me to get home and just jump right in and start laundry or dusting or some shit.  It just doesn't happen.  Instead all cleaning gets done on the weekend.  This is not helped by the fact that my husband is the baby in his family and his mother and brothers did EVERYTHING for him.  He has not acquired the skills necessary to bring his dishes from the living room to the kitchen.  He is unaware that it is possible to pickup after himself.  I just cant do it anymore.  So....my house is always a disaster and it makes me want to scream!
• I smoke.  I like to smoke.  I hide it from my mother and my father as I do not want the ridicule.  I am an adult and I am aware of what it is doing to my body and I love every drag of it.  I hid it from my husband until his latest and greatest infidelity.  He hates smoking.  With a passion.  Knew I did it when he met me and then talked me into "quitting" yea that never really happened.  I did quit during my entire pregnancy.  However the day I returned from maternity leave I lit one up and it was soo sweet! It is the worst thing that I do.  I am OK with that.  Of course - I am supposed to attempt to quit soon, we shall see!
• I am a mother.  I have a 5 year old whom I love dearly.  I don't mention him much because he is something that I can talk about everyday.  That is not really what this journal is for.  He does make me happy though.  He's a pretty good kid.  I am an OK mother.  I try. 
• The only relative I have in my area is my father.  He is the only one in my family that I do not despise.  He has a heart.  He has my heart. He just recently got married...my step mom is OK.  Not evil or anything.
• I am currently going to a diet Dr.  I have lost 30 lbs since September.  This is something that excites me.  Very little excites me but this really does.  I don't mind trying on clothes now. 
• I get very little to no help from my husband in raising my child.  He just doesn't.  My child has never been in the front yard with my husband throwing a ball or playing catch.  I have mentioned that...a lot...it does not phase my husband.  He is off two days during the week and I still have to bring the child to before school daycare and pick him up from after school daycare.  He does not clean on those days off, he does...well...whatever he wants.  On MY days off I have my son and I'm cleaning....not that it ever really gets "clean".  Let me clarify we are not gross...we don't have bugs or food out or anything.  Just clutter...lots and lots of clutter.
• I have one employee.  She talks too much and I would very much like to duct tape her mouth shut about 50 times a day.  there is no doubt you will hear about her often.  She makes me want to play in traffic blindfolded while drinking a fifth of vodka
• I am addicted to scratch off lottery tickets.
• I have several tattoos and my nipples are pierced.  Nobody really knows that...well except my husband and the person who did them. 
• I have horrible handwriting
• I am the "go to person" for everyone when they need a shoulder to cry on - I go to NOONE to complain or ask advice...probably why I am doing this journal.
• I do not cry in front of anyone...ever
• I have a fantasy of "running into" my highschool sweetheart and having this sexy affair or after we are both divorced running into each other and then living happily ever after
• I have a lot of fantasy crushes
• I have NEVER cheated on my husband - he HAS NOT returned that favor. 
• This means I have slept with the same man for about a decade...just sayin
• I am the pickiest eater in the world
• Somehow I am very popular yet I do not care for most of my friends.  There are few I actually tolerate. 

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my new obssession!

I didnt post yesterday.  Instead I found myself completly consumed by a fellow blogger.  If you are reading this - please also visit Scarletonthecouch.  She is literally my new soap opera.  Obviously I am new to all of this blog or be blogged thing and so I started reading hers and then found myself starting from her first post so that I would have a complete understanding of it all.  With that being said I read her blogs starting in January and just read and read and read for over 7 hours.  I am only to March and cannot wait to begin again today.  She is lovely.  She is extremely well written.  I love her writing style and she is honest and holds nothing back.

I can relate although she and I are not really relatable.  She is far from ordinary. She is extraordinary and yet I love her.  We will be friends.  I know this with everything in me. 


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Is there anyone out there???

So, I am new to this whole blogging thing.  I need to do some research I guess.  I havent exactly found a way to search for other blogs nor do I see where others can search for me. I am not going to lie, I am doing this whole blog to relate to others and if nobody can find me to read me then I guess it is pointless.  I joined this ring thing in hopes that would get me in touch with others so I could read their blogs and we could follow each other and what not.  I cant even really find them through that though.  So I started my own ring in hopes that maybe that would work..there isnt even a way to search for others to join my ring.  So IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE...please join my ring? It is listed below...the first one...the second one is the one I joined or tried to join or something.  Or leave me a comment to let me know you are out there or follow me or something.  Pathetic?  Does it seem like I am begging?  I am not trying to but I really dont want to feel alone and yet somehow this is making it worse than before I started blogging since I cant seem to find anyone!!!!

OK - my rant is over.  I think...for now...



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Reflections - actual quotes my family has told me

I feel like writing in blue today -

From my sister -

• You must hate me since I got the skinny gene from Daddy and you got the fat gene from mom (this was just a month ago - I weigh 145 and am 5'6...not exactly obese but not skeletor either)
• The day of my dads wedding - I feel so sorry for the bride.  (me) why? (her) because look at me!  How is anyone going to be looking at her on her day with me in this dress! DAMN I look good
•  I need sex like most people need air
• I dont need one man I need at least 7 I get bored easy

I will edit this post and add more as the beautiful quotes come at me.

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Great news!

I just found out that NONE of my family will be here for Christmas!
I like my husbands family just fine :) So it seems I will have a very Merry Christmas after all!

Just had to share my excitment




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A lil more history

So...background history time. 

I am a military brat - moved all over - got to stay in one place for the majority of my youth...I was there from 3rd grade until I graduated. 

My father was allowed the option to choose where his last station was going to be before his retirement (this is ideally where you want to spend the rest of your life).  He could have picked to be stationed right where we were and we wouldnt have had to move at all.  Which is what he, myself and my sister would have preferred.  HOWEVER...none of us were in charge of making any decisions like that.  My Mother has to have control and SHE decided that it would be best for us to move 9 hours away so that she could live closer to her parents.  This did not go over well with me at all.  I was about to turn 18 and madly in love with my highschool sweetheart.  I could not imagine being away from him and all of my friends.

Again, it wasnt up to me. 

Manipulation -
Now I was about to be 18 and technically you would think that I could have stayed behind as I was an adult and that I didnt have to be forced to move right?  Wrong!

It went a little something like this - I bought a car.  A 1995 Dodge Neon.  I loved that car!  I got it new off the lot.  Of course I had no credit so it couldnt be in my name.  I had stuffed tacos and rolled burritos at the bell long enough to save 3500.00 for a down payment.  I gave that to my parents and we went shoppin for a car.  It was in their name.  I made every payment. 205.00 a month (damn I miss those cheap ass payments!).  I paid my own insurance.  I was a pretty responsible kid. 

Here is what I was told. 
Mother- If you dont move with us we will take your car and sell it. 
Me - you can't do that I have paid every penny for it
Mother - I can do whatever I want it is in my name
Me - Seriously?  That is completly unfair
Mother - one of many life lessons...life is unfair deal with it
Me - fine take it...I will save and get another one
Mother - How? you wont have a car to get to work or a place to stay...looks like your screwed...start packing your shit and lose the attitude

And so it was said and so it had to be -

I had to move the day after my 18th birthday. 

I lived with my parents for about 3 months and then got my own apartment.  I had to get out from under their control.  I now know that I will never be out from under it. 

My mom began making monthly trips back home to get her hair done.  She just couldnt find anyone in the new state that she could trust.

After only living here a year I was told (two weeks before Christmas) that my parents were getting a divorce.  I was so excited for my dad as I thought it was his idea.  I was wrong.  And he was hurt.

Apparantly her "hair trips" were more of the "go back home and fuck my dads best friend" trips.  Now she was all in love and my dad was depressed. 

She moved back to where I grew up leaving us behind in the state she made us all move to so that we could be closer to her parents.

My father went into a deep depression and I feared he would end his life.  I moved back in with him to take care of him and make sure he would be OK.  After about a year he was well enough for me to move back out.

Next my grandfather passed (my mothers dad) and she was not here for it
Then my grandmother was all alone and needed consoling and companionship - yep you guessed it - that had to be my job as well.  I spent as much time as I could with her. 
2 years later she died of cancer.

I have never moved back home - I lost the boyfriend (long distance lasted for about a year...way too much on that one to include in this post) I have grown up a lot since then and know that home will never be what it was when I was younger and there is nothing left for me there and no reason to move back now.  I enjoy the miles between my mother and I.

So after all that - my mom still calls and asks me do you think your father will do me a favor?  Fuck you mom he owes you nothing! Stop asking him for favors!  You cheated on him with his best friend and left him heartbroken AND you get half of his retirement and you think he OWES you a favor?  He owes you a bitch slap to the face and a kick in the ass...of course these are not things I say out loud...sigh...and my dad...well... he always still does the favors..every time.

I am social networked out!

Facebook, Myspace, Twitter....no matter where I go my mother finds me.  I cant keep anything private.  That is why this is the only place I can be naked.  Nothing should link this back to me. 

My mom for some unkown reason has decided to join the youth and lives on facebook now.  lives there.  All she does is hop from my page to my sisters.  EVERYTHING I post she has a comment about.  Then she tries to have a conversation on posts that I have with other people!!! so they all have to deal with her too!  Oh you want an example dont you?  OK :)

I may have put a simple lil status update that said " I love early christmas exchanges with friends! Thanks Kathy for the gifts!"

That is what I posted - she then adds a comment stating that my childs gifts should be arriving on the 9th.  Then I get another comment from her asking what the weather is like here today.  Then another comment saying that she needs my dads phone number. (by the way she needs the # for a favor that she needs from him...she is not worthy of any favors from him - explanation on that whole story to come in future posts) All on this post.  This post had nothing to do with her.  I have told her to send me a message not a comment if she needs to talk to me.  She refuses because she says that she wants others to see that we talk and she has nothing to hide so why go private?  News flash! WE dont talk...you comment and I ignore you. 

I had 31 comments on my post the other day and all I said was it sucks that my washer broke.  They were all from her. 

I have thought of opening a separate account and telling everyone BUT her so I can have a normal account again. 

Just venting this morning. 

I guess its better than having to look at my sisters status'.  All she does is pretty much beg for compliments and quote nasty parts of songs that lead people to think that she is horny 24/7. 

I swear I have a hard time believing I am related to these people.

The day I lost my virginity...kind of...well I guess not really

So...(notice I start a lot of sentences with so... anyway...)
One thing that I have not mentioned as of yet is that I have an older sister.  Growing up she was horrible in ways that I will get into another day.  What is important about this particular story is that she was always a whore..and well still is.

Travel back with me in time to 8th grade.  I was a young 8th grader - I graduated highschool at 17 so I was only 13 years old in 8th grade.  It was kind of a fun year.  Except when some idiot stabbed me in the arm with a mechanical pencil in algebra class.  I still have a little green spot on my forearm from that...anyway...let me get back on track.  My 8th grade year consisted of my first real bra, shaving my legs, putting away the barbies and starting to listen to music more on the radio (taping songs I liked from the radio to have my own personal mix tapes lol), playing with my hair a little more and figuring out how to make it look a little cooler (in those days it was trying to see how high you could get your bangs to go for the most part).  I was a teenager...but barely. 

My sister is 3 years older than me and as I have mentioned a complete tramp.  She was sneaking guys in and out of her room faster than I could spray aquanet on my bangs and get that sizzle sound out of my curling iron as the spray hit the metal.  Different guys everyday.  Several guys in same day. Didnt matter. 

I had a "boyfriend" we will call him AJ.  My sister was driving already and she got to play taxi for me all the time.  So she was supposed to pick up AJ and take us to the dollar movies.  When she picked him up I immediatley knew that we would never make it to that movie.  She had this look she would get on her face when she had an idea that always led to trouble.  Kind of like in the old cartoons when there is an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other...and the devil was always smirking and rubbing his chin...that was her look.  She began teasing us horribly.  Telling us we were such wusses and she cant believe we havent had sex yet.  (We had not even had our first kiss yet) She went on and on and on.  Then she drove us back to my house and said that we were to go in my room and not come out until we had done "it".  I was terrified.  He was thrilled.  So we went in my room.  I was so nervous I was shaking.  I could still see the plastic rubbermaid tub that I had just recently packed full of my barbies and my little ponies stacked in the top of my closet.  Less than six months prior to this exact moment I was decorating my homemade cardboard dream house and wishing I was Barbie and that I had a perfect Ken boyfriend.  How far was I from that at this exact moment.  He hurridly undressed except for his boxers.  I thought I was going to vomit.  I was NOT going to take my shirt off.  I was ashamed that I didnt have big boobs and well...no guy had seen me before.  He laid me down on my uncomfortable, stiff pink bedspread he took my shorts off, my eyes were clenched shut, he reached for my shirt and I slapped his hand away and...he then proceeded to have sex with...with my ass cheek and the bedspread.  He obviously didnt realize that he was not in me and I was not going to tell him.  It lasted for what seemed like forever and then there was a nasty warm wet sensation on my back above my right butt cheek.  EWW.  I didnt even know that happened.  He kissed my forehead and got dressed.  I quickly put my clothes back on and ran to the bathroom to clean up. 

My sister was waiting in the hall right outside my door on the phone with her friend giving her the play by play of what she could hear through the door.  She yelled damn 1 minute man and went to her room.  1 minute?  that was only 1 minute?  Felt like eternity. 

I cleaned up and she said she was going to bring him home - no movies...so we rode in silence back to his place.  On the drive home my sister threatened me that if I ever told on her having "friends" over at our house she would tell mom that I had sex. 

On Monday at school I found out that AJ told everyone...everyone.  He said I was a bad lay.  I at least had the enjoyment of telling everyone that tried to laugh at me that he never even got it in and didnt even know it. 

By the way my pink bedspread?  Had the sticky goo all over it so I spent an hour in the bathroom washing it with handsoap and then blowdrying it dry.

This was my first attempt at losing my virginity...not exactly magical huh? 

Family - non optional

I like going to the grocery store and selecting what kind of cereal I am going to buy. And just think...cereal is not a long term commitment.  Cereal is something that you will eat from time to time and when it is gone you can go back to the store and get it again OR if you want you can try a different one.  AMAZING. 

I wish family was like that.  I didnt get to choose my family.  I was born into it.  I am not sure how.  If I didnt resemble my mother so much I would swear I was adopted.  I know you are supposed to think your parents are weird and "uncool" as an adolescent but I just entered my 30's and I cant stand my family for the most part.  I tolerate them.  I am not even very good at that.  I wonder if it is too early in my blogging to even get into the reasons I feel this way.  These are not statements you should ever say.  And most of you are probably reading this in disgust with one hand over your mouth thinking what an ungrateful bitch I must be to say these horrible things about my own blood...blah blah blah...YOU dont know them!

Let's start with Mommy Dearest shall we?
She is an emotional trainwreck that is a control freak beyond all control freaks.  She manipulates all she comes in contact with.  She is dishonest, unfaithful, rude, has horrible body odor and ALWAYS only thinks about herself while portraying herself to others that she is always doing for everyone else. 

What I am saying is that while she has her own interests in mind she will do a very miniscule "favor" for someone and then make sure that EVERYONE knows that she has done this favor.  An example would be insisting on picking up the tab on...oh I dunno... a candy bar ar a store and as she checks out and pulls out her DOLLAR she will smile really fake and say as loud as she can to cashier so that all can hear "THESE KIDS... SEEMS LIKE NO MATTER HOW OLD THEY GET YOU FIND YOURSELF STILL SPOILING THEM WITH EVERYTHING...HERES YOUR CANDY NATALIE"  Later in that same day she would then mention to her co-workers and her husband how nice she was to buy said candy bar.  Even later in the evening when we have an argument (oh yea...that is inevitable) she would cry and say that she bought me a candy bar dont I remember?????  Then inform me AGAIN that I take her for granted and dont appreciate any thing that she does.   Now the candy bar could have been bought in August.  Now with my Christmas card she will make a note..." Here is your present and remember I also bought you that candy bar so that was part of it to."

I AM NOT EXAGGERATING!  And these are tiny examples.  She is unbearable to be around.  I just cant do it.  We no longer live in the same state and that is a wonderful thing. 

Visitation -
As I said I no  longer live in the same state as my mother.  This also means I no longer live where grew up.  I used to visit quite frequently.  Seems like the perfect getaway right? Drive 9 hours and spend a long weekend where I grew up, stay with my mom for free and hang with my friends right?  right? RIGHT? no...no...no...never!  It is never fun anymore.  When I do go my mother wants to monopolize all my time and actually make me feel guilty for going to see my friends.  She wants to plan my trip down to the minute.  She has a BETTER way of doing everything.  so...lets say I am there Thurs through Monday...and I want to spend Sat with my girlfriends...and the REST OF THE TIME I OFFER TO STAY WITH HER...except while she is at work.  Not good enough.  "You should come to work with me and sit and visit.  I really dont appreciate you coming to town and wanting to spend all your time with your friends, you are only spending time with me for a free place to stay", all of this while crying her eyes out...its actually so much worse than this but I am trying to give you an idea.  
I actually went there this past year and DIDNT tell her I was coming and stayed with a friend.  It was the best trip I have ever taken there! I had fun. 

You will hear A LOT about my mother.  Again after reading this I am sure I am coming across as a bitch and my  mom is probably just a sweet lil ole lady that wants to spend time with her daughter and yada yada yada...I promise you that is not the case.  There is so much more to all of this.  You will see...

Stick around long enough and you will despise her as well. Many more stories and explanations to come...

and so it must begin...

so...this is the first post.  My introduction.  My explanation.  A few things you should know before I begin is that I can spell, I do know proper grammar, however when I get passionate and begin typing I tend to do a lot of run on sentences and a lot of ... type stuff.   Many of my blogs will have ... about 100 times.  If this type of writing style tends to bother you please either just ignore, dont read or at the very least dont feel the need to leave me comments about it.  I am aware, I just dont care.  This is my blog.  I will not watch my language and I cant promise that the subject matter will be pretty or suitable for all ages. 

My purpose - I am hoping to put it all out there...and there is a lot.  This will be my life.  All the events in it that have effected me in some way and made me who I am today.  Most of the material I write about will be things that I can NOT say out loud.  Things I have never told anyone.  You will get to know me better than my family and my closest friends.  But you do not get to know who I am.  You can call me Natalie.  I will change some of the names of the people involved and the places where they took place - not to protect the innocent - but instead to protect me.  The events that I will discuss will not be in the order that they occured. 

There are things that I will discuss that go back to early childhood, however, I am not ready to begin there.  I may post 5 different posts a day and somedays none at all.  I have always wanted to publish my "life story" but there is no way to do that other than this without those involved figuring out who I am.  I am hoping to let others see that there are a lot of us out there that can relate to each other.  Being ordinary is not easy.  While easier than being a geek or an "ugly" person it is hard to be ordinary. 

so wtih all of that being said here is some information about me.  All fact - no fiction - some perception/opinion but here we go....the bare naked truth about "Natalie"

About me -
I am well liked by most that come in contact with me.  I am happy-go-lucky, outgoing, have a great sense of humor, I KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME, I can throw one hell of a party, I am responsible, educated, I am a career woman with a family.  I have never been though of as "sexy" but I am decently attractive.  Probably more cute than pretty.  I can still turn a few heads but I am not the chick that the guys all talk about.  I am cold and empty inside. Not always...but most times.  My mind races.  I love my husband but never got over the heart break from my highschool sweetheart. 

I have a lot of friends.  I despise most of them. 

Welcome to my life...I hope you enjoy it more than I do.